justichthys | Kyr: Contact

[ Aoko suddenly finds the flickering flames very interesting, oh god, why would you remind her of that.]

A-Ah, well … [ She pulls a small pack of gummy dinosaurs out of one of her pockets. ] How many memories do you have now?

[Gummy dinosaurs. He might be eyeing those a little because wow what a weird way to do a quest.]

Three, counting the one I started with.

Oohh, that’s a good start!

[ She picks out two gummies, and pauses. ]

Isabel-san said the gummies just kind of dissolve into people who can’t eat them.

Wow, that doesn't sound gross at all.

[but okay reaching for a gummy!!]

[ She wrinkles her nose. ]

Trust me, I know.

[ There you go, take a gummy! It’s an adorable blue pterodactyl. The memory he “relives” through it, on the other hand, is less than adorable — it’s full of tension, fear, love, horror that they’re trapped together and oh god, oh god he’s only doing this because of her, it’s her fault, it’s her fault. Even Puma admitting — not in so many words, but she knows — that he’d regret this less than forcing her hand (which he could, they both know he could take away every choice she has) doesn’t lessen the nauseating churn of guilt.

And then, well.

There’s a reason why you don’t let the crazy, suicidal, broken voice in your head take control; a reason that is punctuated, italicised, bolded, and underlined when he ignores her protests and rams a sharp quill through her back. ]

[He takes the gummy, making a disgusted noise as it dissolves in his hand.

And then.

The moment the memory begins, as he realises what's going on, he knows this was a bad idea. He'd seen her scars, he should've known it wouldn't be safe. But now it's too late and it just keeps. Getting. Worse.

If his body was human, he'd be shaking - probably crying too, with all of her feelings going through him like this, but it's not human and so he just goes very, very still.

What makes the memory even more horrifying - and it's already plenty horrifying on its own - is seeing Puma overtaken by the memory of Epsilon and knowing that all that pain and fear and madness came from him.

He still hasn't moved by the time the memory finally ends, and it takes him a moment to realise that and let his hand drop down. He doesn't say anything.]

[ She watches him hopefully, praying that the memory is a good one. Something light, something stupid — something from home, which occasionally hurt but wasn’t horrifying. ]

[ It’s when he goes and stays so still, so silent, that Aoko understands her hopes were all for nothing. He isn’t letting rip with the sarcasm, he isn’t fussing, he isn’t complaining. It’s like he’s become a statue. Aoko’s expression falls into worry, into something that may just be fear, and she reaches out to touch his hand just as he lets it fall. ]

H-Hey, Church —

...That. That wasn't good.

[He looks up at her, the visor making him look as blank as ever. Which he's thankful for right now, because he's not sure what kind of expression he'd have otherwise.]

… I … I’m sorry.

[ She doesn’t pull back her hand, instead curling her fingers around his palm. Whether it’s for him, for herself, or for the both of them, she doesn’t know. ]

Wh, which one — what was it?

[ Her eyes are on his helmet’s visor, worried (scared?), searching. There are so many memories it could have been, some worse than others, and most things she would never wish on anybody else. ]

[He doesn't pull his hand away either, doesn't even really register the touch. It's taking too much of his focus just to keep himself together.]

You and Wash were. It was a game? You were in a room together. And, uh. You died.

[He doesn't want this in his head. He's come to care about them both so much that thinking about them dying is just so many kinds of not okay.]

[ Oh. ]

[ No. Nope. ]

[ Now Aoko’s the one to freeze, so still it seems like she isn’t even breathing. That memory. That memory that has haunted her nightmares for weeks; she’s been so desperate to bury it that sometimes, it’s all she can think about. ]

[ And Church saw it. Not just saw it. Lived it from her point of view. ]

[Shit. That is not a good reaction.]

...Are you okay?

[It's kind of a ridiculous question to ask when he is so obviously not okay himself, but it's easier to worry about her in the present than think about what she went through in the past.]

[ A jolt runs through her. ]

[ She closes her eyes, breathes. Keeps herself here, keeps herself now, where she can focus on what’s more important. ]

Oh, God, Church — Church-san, I’m so sorry. You shouldn’t have seen that.

No, it's-

[Keep yourself together. Be the adult.]

Well, I'm not gonna say it's fine because obviously it's not. But it's not your fault.

I know what my memories can be like … [ She says, quietly, forcing her words steady. ] But I guess I — goddamnit.

[ Right now is one of the rare times Aoko finds herself wishing that he had eyes for her to meet. ]

You’re the one I’m worried about right now.

No need to worry about me. I mean, it was bad, but. I can handle it.

[He's trying to reassure himself as much as her. He can handle it. He's not going to freak out, he's not going to have a breakdown or some stupid shit like that over a bad memory.

It wasn't him that took over Wash there. He's not like that, and he's not ever going to be. He's not that broken.]

I'll be fine.

[ She doesn't believe him. ]

[ It’s written as clear as day all over face, from the shadows clouding her eyes to the downturn of her lips. But … what is she supposed to do? What is she supposed to say? ]

H-How the heck am I supposed to not worry?! After you saw something like that ...

You're the one who had to actually go through it, though. That's kind of a bigger deal than just seeing it.

[Of course she's worried. Totally understandable. But he's fine, he has to be fine, so he can't have her worrying about him.]

[ These fussy-pants do not come with an off-switch!! ]

Seeing your friends like that hurts in a different way. [ She looks away, towards the fire, and tries very, very hard to ignore the phantom twinge of pain in her back. ] And … I know he means a lot to you.

I'm -- I'm sorry I couldn't stop him.

...Oh my god, are you actually apologising for dying right now.

[AOKO WHY.]

N-Not for dying! [ Mostly, anyway. Church had felt her guilt for himself; she couldn't help but feel like she'd hurt Puma with her choices. ]

Well, you shouldn't be apologising for any of it.

[He sighs, taking a moment to lean back a little as he tries to put his thoughts together. It's not easy, with Aoko's feelings and his own reaction to the memory still fresh in his head.]

There weren't any choices you could've made that would've been any better.

[ Aoko shifts when he does, drawing her legs up in a loose, comfortable curl. ]

… I could’ve stopped him. [ Mutters, her voice small. ] All I had to do was say the right name. [ All she’d had to do was hold on to her head, instead of panicking. ]

[ She forces a laugh. ]

Geez, I’m — [ sorry ] Do you need a minute?

[He tries to bring up more reassurances, some words that could comfort her, but nothing comes to him. All he can think is don't blame yourself, blame me and that's not going to help anybody.]

I, uh. You know what, I just wanna move on to something else. Get this off my mind.

[The sooner he can stop thinking about it, push it behind a wall away from reach, the better.]

… That’s fine.

[ There isn't much anybody can do to help with the aftermath of what happened. She can’t blame Church for wanting to leave the whole thing well enough alone … ]

[ (As worrying as it is, after he let slip about his feelings on Aoko’s time as an AI.) ]

But, uhm. Do you mind if I ... D'you mind if I lean against you for a minute?

[ AT LEAST SHE HAS THE GRACE TO SOUND EMBARASSED ]

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